A Tradition Unlike Any Other

No, not the Masters, but rather Illinois v. Indiana football. The stakes are even higher this year, as the Hoosiers head to Champaign on Illinois' Homecoming. And we all know the theory behind Homecoming scheduling - you schedule an opponent you know you will beat.

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The Christmas List

Now that the calendar has turned from October to November it's time, per custom, to unveil my Christmas list. You know, just in case you're in an extra giving mood this year, you'll know exactly what to get me. Don't forget, I've been extra good this year.

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I Said, Trick or Treat Asshole
10.26.2010 6:00PM
Unfortunately every treat dropped in your bag on Halloween is not awesomely delicious goodness. Like a Snickers, or Twix, or Jolly Rancher, or Starburst. Nope, some asshole out there has to pick up something disgusting to put in your bag. Those are the people for which the tricks should be reserved. Because what they put in your bag is certainly not a treat. I'd rather have people pretend they are not home (I'm not even asshole enough to do that) than drop digusting crap in my bag. There's a special place in Hell for these people. Trust me. So with Halloween and Trick or Treating just around the corner, my least favorite "treats" I received through the years.

- Necco Wafers- Oh great, you read my mind. Little discs of chalk is excatly what I wanted. Its understandable why this so-called candy tastes like crap. It was invented in 1847, long before deliciousness was invented. Everything in 1847 was bland. Not to mention the creator was English, and that group of people is certainly not known for their tasty food. Necco claims the wafers come in seven flavors. I beg to differ. I have only ever tasted one flavor and its called gross. Next time I want a gross chalky disc, pass me the Children's Tylenol.

- Pencil/Pencil Topper- This is not a back-to-school holiday asshole. All I want is some tasty candy for a sugar high and to rot my teeth. It's not that hard. The last thing I want to do is get home at the end of the night from trick or treating, reach into my bag, and poke myself with this shitty pencil/pencil topper. Last time I checked both graphite and rubber taste like shit. It's only been two months since school started, I haven't lost all my pencils/pencil toppers yet. Dick.

- Tootsie Rolls (any variety)- And this is where I lose the masses. Not the traditional Tootsie Roll. Not the flavored variety. Not the long ones. Not the really long ones. Not the Tootsie Roll Pop. No Tootsie Rolls. Weird taste plus weird texture does not equal tasty goodness. There are plenty of other products from Tootsie Rool Industries that I would rather have in my bag. Like: Charms Blow Pops, Dubble Bubble, or Dots. Anything but Tootsie Rolls. And every third person is giving out Tootsie Rolls, so by the end of the night you have a ginormous mound of Tootsie Rolls. No thanks.

- Bottle Caps Candy- I'd rather just have a soda not a tart chalky candy that has the flavors of various soda. Bottle Caps come in grape, cola, orange, root beer and cherry flavors. They all tasted like shit. Especially the cola and root beer flavored ones. And as we all know by now, anything artifically flavored to taste like grape is just awful. But at least at the end of the night these were easy to trade for something tasty. Because we all had that odd ball friend who thought they chalky bottle cap shaded candies were the best thing out there. Here's five packs of Bottle Caps for your Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. Score!

- Peanut Butter Kisses- Better known as that shit that comes in the black and orange wrappers. Seriously, what the fuck is that? It doesn't look appetizing in the least. At least the other candies mentioned above look good enough to try once. I don't know if I could convince myself to eat these if they were the only thing I had to survive. The worst part was that the people who gave out these candies were generous with their giving. So you got handfuls of this shit. And since a 10 lb bag sold at Big Lots for $1, there was plenty of this garbage to go around. Honestly, I didn't know the official name of this candy until I just Googled it for this post. I always referred to it as the crap in the black and orange wrappers. And everyone knew what I meant. I think I opened one, realized it looked like a white piece of poop and knew for the rest of my life I could just throw away those little turds.

What are your least favorite Halloween "treats"? Let me know in the comments. But obviously things weren't too bad and I did get a lot of awesome treats because Halloween is one of my favorite holidays. There was the house that gave out FULL SIZED candy bars. Cha-ching. Or the morons who would leave a huge bowl on the front porch with a note to take one or two candies. That entire bowl of Snickers was mine. And then there was my house which was a neighborhood favorite - packages of Carnation Hot Chocolate. The perks of a dad who worked for Nestle. (Note: the children liked this a lot better than when my Dad worked for Duracell. Batteries are heavy.) So no matter how old and curmudgeoned I get, I'll never be the neighbor who gives out disgusting crap on Halloween. Think about the children!

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